In theory, they’re the simplest tasks imaginable. The minute-to-minute duties aren’t as easy, however. Thankfully, the inhabitants of the town you live in are a chromosome away from wearing floaties in the shower, which makes being stealthy about as necessary as stilettos on ice. After all, t hat’s the fundamental goal in Octodad remain undetected while you perform your fatherly duties. You see, despite your nervous burbles, destructive tottering through the assorted environments, and whatever eventual assault you accidentally launch on some innocent bystanders, you mustn’t break character. Although that in itself is a medical mystery best left to the Japanese and their research of tentacle erotica. You’re a family man - I mean, mollusk - with a loving wife, and two semi-beautiful children. Octodad: Dadliest Catch is the strangest slice of gaming pie since Mister Mosquito. “I’m an octopus,” I thought to myself again, as I regrettably envisioned our copulation. Maybe she was too gold-stricken to notice that it was handed to her by a slimy, flexible organ? She just stood there, though allowing me to live my lie, ready to spend her life with me. Was she blinded by the size of the ring? I mean, it fit her like an oversized bracelet. My human shaped wife to-be didn’t seem to notice as my tentacles shuffled through a box of rubbish in search of her ring, either. Well, besides one little detail I just couldn’t seem to purge from my mind. I’m an octopus. Why hasn’t anyone acknowledged this? I’m a f****** octopus! The floor, in a typical Cooper family wedding tradition, was covered in banana peels and various fragile vases lined the isle. I finally made it through after an embarrassingly long affair involving a suction cup and a top hat, only to find that my best man was nowhere to be found. On the other hand, my obvious lack of bones was a ’40s slapstick routine just waiting to happen, and the simple task of opening a door became a tug-of-war with the controls. What can really be expected of someone as clumsy as me? In five minutes I managed to smash every box on the gift table, shatter the stained glass in the hallway and break-dance with a hat rack. I wasn’t worried about being late, though. I was searching for my disguise - a tuxedo - and some collectible ties for some reason. A lingering doom, slowly weighing on my conscience as I knocked around the church on the day of my wedding.
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